Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So many bounce houses so little time
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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