So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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