Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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