I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
