I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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