I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
