Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My butt remains clenched, sir.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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