My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
