When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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