I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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