Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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