i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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