Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
