Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
