I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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