she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
