and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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