no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
