Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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