I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
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I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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