drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
