I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
