I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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