This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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