i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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