Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
