Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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