i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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