is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
