just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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