How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
