I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
