I haven't been this sober since birth.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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