I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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