If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
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It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
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Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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