anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
