wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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