even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
