1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
