a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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