her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
