My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
