My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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