Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
