She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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