My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
