I need to stop coming to work sober
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
