You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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