There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I could make wine with my vomit
well you can't waste a boner
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Never underestimate the power of titties
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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