I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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