i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
