I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
