She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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