you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.