textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What drink are we having for lunch?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
