meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
