Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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